Losing Friends and Feeling Alone (WARNING: A really long and rambling passage)

Hey everyone!

I hope these first few days of 2015 have been good to you and that getting back into the swing of things with work and school hasn't been too difficult. 

As I sit here attempting to write this post, I realize how personal and sensitive this topic is for me. The perfect way to begin this is eluding me, so bear with me as I clumsily make my way through my own thoughts and feelings that I desperately try to evade in my day-to-day life. This is not a sob story, nor is it a pity party. This is just me sharing my experience in hopes to connect with you in some way, to hopefully cure some of this hurt for me and maybe make some kind of difference for the both of us. 

I was fortunate enough to be born into a large family who have loved and cared for me since the very beginning. For that, I'm grateful and I find solace in knowing that I am never truly alone. But as most of us know, not even being surrounded by a large group of people can keep the lonely darkness from sometimes creeping into your mind. This loneliness knows no race, economic status, familial background or lifestyle. Whether it be in the late night thoughts that keep you up at night, or in that looming feeling that you just can't seem to do anything right, we have all felt alone. 

When I was in middle school, I had more friends than I knew what to do with. I was an obnoxiously loud and crazy preteen who found absolutely everything funny. I had a couple of really close friends with whom I shared absolutely everything. I remember thinking about high school and feeling as if there was nothing to worry about because I would have all of my friends with me to make the transition as seamless as possible. My final year of middle school was gradually coming to an end and as I walked into my eighth grade graduation ceremony surrounded by the abundance of friends I had made over the previous three years, I remember feeling like that was only the beginning of various lifelong friendships. Needless to say, I was wrong. After that day, I found myself without anyone to hang out with or talk to. It was as if I had been forgotten by all of my former classmates, and even worse, my closest friends. Coming to the slow realization that I had not been mistakenly forgotten, but rather intentionally forgotten was not an easy one for me, and that's when the loneliness began.

My birthday that year, which falls at the end of August, is one I try to forget. I remember receiving maybe three "happy birthday" text messages, which differed greatly from previous years where friends would greet me as soon as I stepped off of the school bus with hugs, balloons and birthday cards. Fast forward to my first year of high school, and I can vividly remember walking into the big, foreign school with no friends, still trying to figure out what I had done to make all of my friends disappear. Over the course of my high school career, I gained some friends and lost some friends, as most do. But I never truly regained a best friend, which I have always found much more important than having a number of good friends. Leaving high school, I found myself in the same position I was in when I left middle school, and to be frank, it sucked.

Losing friends paired with a variety of other life events that occurred during the time slowly turned that crazy obnoxious preteen into a much quieter and less confident teenager. I still struggle with that today; feeling like I never truly fit in anywhere and always worried about what people think of me. Feeling alone has been something I've struggled with for five years now, and to this day, I wonder what's so wrong with me that I can't seem to find a best friend or what I do to keep people from wanting to be around me. It's definitely not the best feeling, and it's something that has caused me to lose a large portion of my confidence, ability to talk in front of people and my will to put myself out there. Loneliness is a dark and scary feeling and I've let it consume me more than once.

SIDENOTE: I would like to say that I understand that people grow apart, especially in their teens, and that I have absolutely no ill will towards the people I was friends with in the past. Everyone has their own reasons for their decisions, and I respect those decisions fully. I used to wish I had a reason as to why all of this happened, but I know that that is something that I must resolve within myself. I'm grateful for all of the memories I made with those of whom I was friends with, and I truly wish them the best.

By letting the feeling of loneliness consume me, I have lost myself and the true essence of who I am. Perhaps that realization hurts worse than the loneliness itself. As I mentioned before, there was a variety of other factors that contributed to me feeling alone (heartbreak, loss, divorce, fights and anxiety/depression) that I will mention as this blog continues, but I find that the loss of friends is one of the main reasons that I have found it hard to overcome this feeling.

I guess I'm writing this to finally stop evading my truth. I'm tired of running from a feeling that has lurked in the depths of my subconscious for longer than I care to remember. If you're still reading this and you've gone through something similar, I hope that you can see that others go through the same feeling and that you're never truly alone (no matter how much it may seem that way). Feeling alone is something that I've let control me for so long, and I'm finally ready to break free from it's hold on me.

That is a large part of the reason I'm writing this blog. I'm finally taking the step to put myself out there and share all of my truths with any of you who care to read them. I hope that it will show you that other people go through situations similar to what you have gone/are going through and hopefully it will make you feel less alone, because I know how terrible and daunting that feeling can be.

I'm sorry that this is so long, and if you're still reading this then A++++. You are the greatest. This blog has helped me in more ways than one and it's barely even begun. Thanks to all of you who have read my blog and who have shown me support, I'm beginning to see that I'm not so alone after all. You will never know how grateful I am for your Facebook comments, or that you actually take time out of your day to read what I have to say. I know this wasn't uplifting or happy, but I hope that you enjoyed reading (not that you would enjoy reading something like this, but you know what I mean.)

Thank you so much for reading, and I will talk to you next time.

xo, Taylor